Things I Know

A very good friend of mine recently wrote to me asking for assistance. Her office was running a pool in which people could bet on which celebrities would be featured in the next 10 weeks of US Weekly. A large list of celebrity names was circulated and each office member who wanted to participate was to choose their top ten picks and rank them in order. Points would be assigned for each published appearance of said celebrity, more points for cover appearances. It seems my good friend, with a law degree, working full-time as a clerk for a state Supreme Court justice, and with two young children and a husband, simply didn’t know which ten to pick. She wrote to me in her hour of need stating, “I don’t even know who some of these people are!”

I was happy to oblige. Not only was I able to recognize all names on the lengthy list and provide ten sure-fire picks in mere minutes, but I also provided five backups and supplied logical reasons for the rankings I imposed, such as: “Katie Holmes should be ranked higher than Tom because if anything goes down, she’ll be the one on the cover,” or, “Angelina and Brad are totally solid cover material, but I’m ranking Paris higher in general because of the prison thing and Lohan because of the rehab thing… As soon as she gets out, there’ll be major coverage…”

Yes, my friends, these are the things I know. Not the names of all the 2008 presidential candidates, not how to get from my house to the San Francisco airport, not even where Ohio is on the map (somewhere in the middle, right?) But, when Columbia-educated attorneys need help in the office US Weekly pool someone has to be there. When bored pals need a new celebrity gossip site to add to the morning repertoire, someone has to be at the ready. When coworkers need to know who’s starring in the new Transformers movie to settle a bet, someone needs to step up to the plate, people. And that someone is, apparently, me.