Fun With Sky Mall #3

It's been a while, folks, but it's Friday, it's sunny and springy out, and I'm just in the mood for another edition of FUN WITH SKY MALL! In case you forgot how it works, the goal here is to spot the real marketing copy that accompanies this totally real product from Sky Mall. And we're off...

A) What's that smell? Mee-Owch! It's the litter box! Help your furry friend say sayonara to that stinky habit once and for all with the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System. In just weeks, your kitty can become a fancy-free feline flusher! Pets and humans share love, why not share TP, too? Save money on litter and scoops with this reusable kit; new from the esteemed makers of the KittyTalks Translation System.

B) The best way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning out the litter box is to do away with it for good. With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less. The age or weight of your cat doesn't matter and it works in multiple cat households too. This award-winning product has proved itself effective for years, and has been recommended by vets. Enjoy a cleaner home and say good-bye to the litter box forever.

C) You may wear muumuus 24-7, you may wear curlers in your hair in public, and you may knit outfits for your "kitty kiddies"-- but if you still just can't seem to get your seven cats to listen to their "mama" and use the litter box consistently, you need the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System. Your cats will never truly be your almost-human-babies until they are tinkling toddler style, with colorful adaptive seats for Boots to boot! Soon your whole family of felines will be sharing the most intimate bathroom moments. Aww!

D) Cats everywhere are pawing for the purrfect solution to housebreaking drama! As seen on The Real Housecats of Crazyville, the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System is the kitty choice for reversing natural instincts altogether. Fabulous felines all over the country are relieved to finally be able to relieve themselves like the rest of the civilized world-- in the privacy of their own bathrooms. As any good vet knows, training cats is super easy! That's why they recommend this award-winning system that will have your purrer potty perfect in no time!

E) Tired of those awkward moments with your cat when he wants to go outside and poop in public like a dog? Or how about when he has to slink off to the litter box to wee in a pile of chalky dust? It's time for the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System! Trade awkward moments with your cat for awkward moments with your friends when they see the adaptive seat in the "cat's bathroom." Your cat deserves all the convenience of jumping onto a slick porcelain surface and balancing over a specialized seat. After all, he does so much for you... He kindly destroys your couch and love-scratches your arm. He also barfs up beautiful fur balls under your bed and wakes you up at 5am for food... That kind of benevolence deserves the royal treatment: get your king kitty going on his own throne today!

Fun With SkyMall #2

Back by popular demand (read: two people asked me to do another one) is FUN WITH SKYMALL. Can you spot the real text that accompanies the following really-for-sale-at-SkyMall item? It's not as easy as you think. (Well, OK, it probably is as easy as you think.) So without further ado... I bring you Fun With SkyMall #2:

A) "My Precious"- The one ring is suspended in the center of the sphere that rests in front of Gollum. Tempting and close yet unattainable. Crafted in cold cast porcelain and fine pewter. Measures approximately 7 inches in height. $97.50

B) Make your fellow AV Club members uber-jealous with this collectible of Gollum and his precious. Authentic Elfish inscription on ring can be read with a magnifying glass (sold separately.) Generous crevasses will effectively collect dust and other dirt, making it all the more realistic in the glow of your video game console as it sits in your room (the converted basement of your parents' house) year after year. Made in Mordor. $129.99

C) "My Precious" - At only 7 inches in height, this lifelike pewter recreation of this Lord of the Rings scene is the perfect desk accessory. An ideal size that won't overshadow your Star Wars figurines, the pewter is a perfect balance to the XFiles alien memorabilia on your uppermost cubical shelf. Your fellow programming bros and D&D teamsters will evoke the same look of lust as Gollum when they see this! Plus, if you ever meet a girl you've got the ring covered. $49.99

D) Makes a great gift for this season's white elephant gift exchanges or for any of the socially awkward people in your life. At only 7 inches in height, Gollum and his coveted ring are portable yet sturdy and solid-- making this a great on-the-go weapon. And, with that strained look on this creepy character's face, this truly multi-prupose collectible makes a wonderful nightmare inspiration for any small child you wish would leave you alone. Can also be converted to a music box; theme from Psycho sold separately. What a precious value! $79.99

E) This magical pewter moment from Lord of the Rings is sure to bring many "precious" smiles. Beautifully crafted in cold cast porcelain and fine pewter, this striking collectible measures approximately 7 inches. Film-accurate and incredibly detailed, Gollum's face yearns for his one true love just beyond his reach. $29.99

Fun With Sky Mall

I'm answering Mandi's blogvite to make fun of Sky Mall stuff, (even though I totally have the Sky Mall bug sucker vacuum and use it ALL the time. Also referenced in the post below.)

When considering the random assortment of product gracing the glossy pages of this notorious or other similar in-flight magalogs (the ones that you find yourself forced to peruse when the crossword and su doku and peanuts are finished) there are always more than a few items that have me wondering, "What the bleep were they thinking?!"

Like this one, found in the MEN's apparel section:


Drink it in.

Cats for Peace.



Men's apparel.



Seriously.

!

And now for the really fun part! (Almost as fun as the crossword and su doku? You be the judge.)

Ladies and gentlefolk, it's time for...
NAME THAT COPY!
Which of the following copy blocks actually accompanies the stunning Sky Mall men's sweatshirt pictured here? See if your marketing skillz and savvy stack up by selecting from the options below, or, better yet, comment and nominate your own!

A) Who says you have to outgrow getting beaten up because of your clothes? Me-OW! Lap up the wonderful irony of it all as you get the fur kicked out of you. Made in Minnesota. Available in sizes M-XL, and in white only.

B) They're organized. They're marching. And they won't rest... until they feel like it. White 50/50 cotton-poly blend sweatshirts. Imported. Available in sizes M-XXL.

C) The passive paws on this over-sized white cotton-poly blend sweatshirt help keep out the chill while you chill out... in rehab. (It's OK, you're not allowed to date there, anyway.) A sobering reminder of other bad decisions made while under the influence. Imported. Available in sizes L-XXL.

D) A great gift for any male with social anxiety disorder or your neighbor with special needs, this comfy, cozy 50/50 cotton-poly sweatshirt is sure to be a purr-fect fit! They'll think it's the cat's pajamas! Made in China. Hairball free, guaranteed. Available in white only. Sizes XS-XXXL.

E) Need a surefire, but nonviolent way to announce to the world that you're on a fashion strike? These passive kitties are right up your alley. Good taste is in season when it comes to outerwear, so go ahead: show them all you just don't care. Made in Hell. Available in sizes S-XXL.

F) Fluffy, Muffy and Mittens have one question: Can't we all just get along? Why be catty when you can be purr-fectly cozy? Made in the USA. White 50/50 cotton-poly blend sweatshirts. Available in sizes M-XXL.

Think you can spot the original? Good luck!